Being in the "IN BETWEEN"

What does it mean to be in the in between? Macam yes tapi bukan? Malcom in the middle? What what? I need to be clear. 

But then again that is how I actually find myself most of the time. Unclear. Truth is I have been the guy that never had to plan till now. Even now I am being unclear. God truly has been gracious to me. Constantly making mistakes but sending the right people at the right time to just guide me. 

Sure I am growing. But to grow I need to realize where I am falling short first. 

Some person might ask "How did you get so far in such a short time? How did you do all this?" or "Please lah you? Pffft". It is the...In Betweeeeeen * Whispers *

The answer is ultimately of course God's providence. But basically let me break it down to you in 3 areas. What do I mean when I say 'IN BETWEEN', What is the truth of the matter, and what do I need to do.

What do I mean when I say 'IN BETWEEN'


I feel right now I get a different kind of challenge. I get... The in between. Sure call it many names. Call it the desert period. Refiner's Fire. The moment when you are being molded. Whatever. But let me explain to you what the "IN BETWEEN" means. From here on please do read through the end to get the full picture.

Sure I would get one or two students whom I have impacted. But what do I get? Bunch of people looking down on you because they think I am too young for such a role or a task. Or people who just won't take you seriously because you are all goofy and childlike and when asked to step up some go "Seriously? Him?". (Disclaimer I ain't taking offenses haha, Sure I see where you are coming from). I never asked for the roles either. Or people thinking I am full of arrogance for having such a platform because I am just flaunting my "knowledge". You'll get a bunch of these comments. 

Then you get the older people who sees all my flaws and how I am constantly falling short in everything I do. Which is true. I am a ball of failures. And then I would have to handle the misconception of how being open about my failures is by no means shooting myself down. 

Then to others I am suppose to be this strong guy who listens to every problem and understand them. I am suppose to be there for them. Sure they are not wrong I guess.... I am suppose to have stronger resilience because you know, claimed to have more faith. I do not have such problems as their lives have. Casually spewing out the truth that my life is better than theirs. So I just quietly accept it. Because what do I know right? All I knew is that in all I did, I can only focus on Christ alone. I knew if the focus was on myself things would go awry very easily. 

So I am to play the roles all over but in everyone's eyes just ain't quite right. So I am just getting flak all over. Forgetting I am just human. Just assuming what I am and who I am without even first understanding.

Then suddenly everyone is an expert on your life. Telling you what you should and should not do. And then those who know me enough carelessly just use the "Win Liao Lor" answer which is from 1 Timothy 4:12 'Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young'. And you know they mean well. 

The greatest lesson this year was seeing how I got involved into too many things that only now mid year I am learning to cut down what I need to cut down. Because resources are split all over the place. You cannot focus on what you need to do and you get lost.

You get stuck
This is what in between feels like. I am here but not there yet. Accepted in neither sides. (This is by no means suggesting people are rejecting me). I am talking about the phase. 

What is the truth of the matter?


It sucks being in the in between. You are neither here nor there. Mentally draining. But even after all that, what is the truth of the matter? That amidst this seemingly ranting post in attempting to carelessly explain what an IN BETWEEN situation might look like, the truth of the matter is that there is way much more to give thanks for. 10 000 reasons to praise God.

That hey this is the world. It is normal. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. No like I mean it. This is the world. Never for one second did I think I was special. What a great great great error of thinking that would be in how I live my life. No I am not looking down on myself. But neither am I negating the fact that I am a unique individual. But being a unique individual brings no cause for being self-entitled. But it does help build the foundation of living the live to the truest me I can be. To be who God designed me to be. 

Lets us not forget the second part of 1 Timothy 4:12 as well. "Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." Which means no matter how goofy, no matter how young, inexperienced or what not lah... It is to be an example as a Christian, Lecturer, and Friend. That at the end my fruits will speak for its own as evidence on how I live my life. I may get called many things but truth always wins out. The greatest ethic to live is to love. And it is to learn to love with the love that Christ has given me. Most important of all to show how His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness. 

That even moments like these I pray that God be glorified. More of Him and less of Me. To seek him in all times not just the good times. 

 The greatest insight I have gotten is something simple. I do not know what I do not know. If I knew what I do not know it would have been so much easier. But I just do not know.

That out of all the eyes that doubt me, look down on me, or look lightly on me, there are other eyes that shower me with care and love and look out for me. And out of all the eyes that look on me, what matters most is what God thinks of me and has done for me and has allowed me to move.

That I am already in the position of victory and I am moving from victory not to victory. 

What do I need to do?


Really need to continuously take stock. Take a break. Really really slow down in what I do and what I think. Because burning out is something you do not realize till you are in it. 

Perhaps a little trial and error. But for starters a simple principle of being selfish. That is the lesson I need to learn. Selfish in the sense where I need to look out for myself. Learn to say no. Learn to draw a threshold way lower than what I am allowing myself to take.

Out of the many voices coming down on me. Critiques. Comments. Gossips. I just need to hear God's voice. To really really seek his kingdom and righteousness first. To truly cherish the times I have with God.

I need to persevere and keep my eyes focused on him. Lay down every weight that clings so closely to me. Jesus is after all the author and perfector of my faith. 

Just do not give up. Get back up with every fall 

Finally I just need to position myself under the waterfall of grace and wait on the Lord. I will be out of the 'IN BETWEEN' eventually.  Why? 
Because Isaiah 40:31 says "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Testimony(My Grandmother)

So lately I haven't been updating my blog. I'll tell you why now. After my finals, I had to go to Penang, to visit my ill grandmother. My mother was pestering me and my brother to hurry back afraid she would not make it. My friends could see it in my face that I was troubled. So I did go to Penang with my friends on one Sunday morning. BTW, my grandmother suffered from cancer of the pancreas. Seeing my grandmother... I was in shock, she was so frail and thin. I ask her how was she and she replied " What do you think?" . I said " You look, very thin grandma" and she nodded. She was really weak. The next day she could not speak at all. She had no energy to open her eyes or even utter a word, just moan. My mother was taking care of her for the pass three weeks. I came and helped her out. My mum was teaching me how to take care of her and asked me to do it. Amazingly my grandmother was recovering. The next day she could talk. After that she could read the new...
Read more

Relationships are worth restoring

Just to be clear, when I said relationships I did not limit myself to just boyfriend/girlfriend but to every kind of possible relationships in this world. Relationships are always worth restoring. They are what matters most in life. Relationship with God,friends, siblings, with your boss, parents, soul mate, wife, children, etc. They build bridges between each other. If your live as a hermit, live within the shadows, think your are better off alone, then you wont grow. We can only grow in a community where we learn from our mistakes, humble ourselves,....wait getting off point here. Life is all about love. Love is the most powerful thing. We should learn how to love . For me, I would like to be in the ministry of restoring relationships. For those who do not know what ministry means, it means some kind of governing body or main focus in a job. For this case, governing body for restoring relationships. They are worth restoring because every relationship hold opportunities in greatness...
Read more

Be silent, and listen

What does it mean to wait, be silent , and listen?   Before I begin, I also be silent and think, whether this would bore you readers .....and then I continue XP  The words silent and listen are usually used in a parallel manner if you noticed. Doing these three things needs patience. There is always a time to be silent and a time to speak . One cannot listen if they are not silent. Sometimes, wisdom does not come from telling people what you know, showing them you are right, proving them wrong, later on to feel all high and mighty. Sometimes wisdom also means to be silent, hear them out, listen to all their wrongs and rights and taking it in. The right time will come to say the right words. Ever heard of.. ." It was the right thing to say, but wrong time to do it"? Yeah it is as you have read it. One can cause unfavourable damage if they keep speaking but on the other hand, one can lose opportunities when they become silent at times when they are needed to be heard. ...
Read more