Waiting through my eyes (The truth revealed)

I suck at it
 Yes waiting. Not quite what you expected as a first line huh. Let's chat. Waiting on the Lord has always been an ongoing lesson for me. Year after year one of the main themes I feel God called me to learn was learning to wait/slow down. Not just on him but in many other aspects. Each year with a different context and reason. But the message was always the same. I was somehow impatient or I needed to slow down. And at the end of each year I would go "lord I think I get it now".


I was far from the truth. 

And I am grateful learning that harsh truth was out of grace and humility. God provided me the platform to fail to see and His grace has always been sufficient for me nonetheless. 
Now slowly I am starting to see how I am rushing through things. My mind races so fast with a jillion thoughts coming in through and my processor is overworked. On the outside I may portray a more calm demeanor, but on the inside not so and even I am unaware. The Holy Spirit had to slowly peel the layers and I was so thick headed and blinded that I thought this was not something big to deal with. I trivialized it. 

This year was the year God showed how such a pattern affects other areas of my life more severely than I would expect. Through my work,  relationships and myself. 

I thank God that this time, by His wisdom, He chose to reveal it to me in foresight what may happen and allowed me to learn and slow down before any real damage could happen. 
It reveal how in that area I wasn't actually trusting God. I was taking matters into my own hands. On the outside I may be fine but inside my mind "what about this?,  have I considered that? Did I do something wrong? Did I messed up again" while all of this is happening God was still using me to teach, encourage and impact. Only thing I was the one that was starting to fall apart. Indeed He sustained me so far. 

So as I slowed down this was my personal simple revelation. That my mind was truly cluttered. I tell people to take it one step at a time. I was taking too many steps,  all over the place. Painfully maybe even say that I was to a certain extent capricious. As I slowed down and by slowing down means not to react to quickly. Speak slower. Pace myself slower in everything. Slowing down made me realize why I had no time. As "efficient"  as I was I was spending my time in the wrong places. Facebook being one of them being in the guise of ministry. It still is and it still will be a platform to minister but as of now it is an excuse. 


Truth hurts doesn't it. 



To notice that you were as such all this while and it wasn't good. For the longest time you thought you were learning and it wasn't that bad. But I am bid to boast in my weakness for it is Christ who is glorified.

It doesn't mean I don't work. It doesn't mean I stop what I am doing. It just means in all that I do,  I truly truly need to slow down. I'm never afraid to show how as a lecturer I may not be as banged up as I may seem to be. I'm here. I'm human. I'm enduring. Keeping my eyes focused on Jesus the author and perfector of my faith. :)
So now through such an experience God has made me understand a little bit more on what it means to be poor in spirit. Humbled me. How deceitful my heart is as I navigate my life with the people around me. Oh how far more do I have to go. I say this with my heart not just my head. 
So I sit here in awe at how God's hands move. Thankful, so so thankful for my relationship with God. I thank God for the ability to listen and catch it on what people are telling me. The ability to take criticism in clean and clear.


There is not much I have seen. I barely traveled the world. There is much in life many people can claim I do not know off and they are right for them to say so. Nonetheless truth still remains the same regardless of whether I have experienced it and I humbly bring it forward for those who are willing to hear.

So now? I come back to the Father with a renewed heart once more. Seeking forgiveness.  Seeking help. Here's my heart lord,  speak what is true and give me life in thy ways. Rededicating myself again. Unusual for a "matured"  believer to say but this is where I am finding myself again once more. As the Holy Spirit patiently knocks on every unopened door in my heart to deal with I learn a little better what it means to wait on Him.

So satisfy me Lord of all. I'm begging You,  help me see,  You're is all I want,  You're is all I need. You are more than all this world can give.

P. S. Regardless of whatever stage of life you are in,  your first relationship you would spend a lot of time considering is your relationship with God.

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