I just did not want to slow down.

My walk with God is nothing short of being constantly humbled. The goal is realizing more of Him and less of me. He increases while I decrease. The whole of 2015, the lesson for me was slowing down. In everything I do. I always thought I was a happy go lucky person. People saw me and they affirmed it. I thought I was too. Little did I know that all the planning was going through my head. My brains were moving so fast, perhaps even faster than society itself. I always liked things done quickly.
                                                    
Countless times the Lord will tell me to slow down through various means for various context and reasons from my relationships all the way to my career. Each time I heard, I listened, and I obeyed (At least I thought I did). Here is where I made my mistake. Even the act of slowing down I wanted to rush the process. I would go "okay, okay slow down, okay what do I have to do? tell me and I will do it. C'mon I ain't got all day right here. Slow down okay slow down". Do you see the contrast there? My mind wasn't slowing down at all.

This year things really picked up quite fast. Like really fast for me in terms of the opportunities and responsibilities given to me in my career. I was asking God last year it was all about slowing down, why the added speed now? I mean I guess it is great but wow this is fast. But little did I know I needed to slow down. I thought I was ready for certain things that I demanded God what is left to wait?

I lamented that I knew his will is best for me. I knew that at the end of the day I would choose him. I knew that whatever the circumstances that I would run to him. Don't I have faith right there? Spare me the lesson Lord. I get it. I get it. Let's get this over with. What is the point you want me to go through this lesson already when I get it. Right there was arrogance in itself.

Day by day God had to slowly reveal the condition of my heart. I already put a block for growth in me for the Lord. It wasn't the fact that I did not slow down. It was the fact that I didn't want to slow down. Because generally I am a fast learner and I like things done quickly. I am efficient that way. Because I thought when I get it I can move on because my thoughts were that usually one would go through the situation when they have yet to learn the lesson. But how arrogant was I to have thought that I have learned it. I was so wrong.

This week itself I almost approached burnout. Quite a good record. usually I tayar pancit in the second month. Haha. I needed a well respected colleague to tell me to slow down as she was seeing me messing up in my work in every corner. I was so stressed with whatever that was going through that I told the Lord that I got it and can we move on? Be it with finance, be it with work, be it with relationships, be it with church, be it with serving where I am, be it everything. I hated where I am. I was so stressed that I knew God will pull through for me when the time is right but yet was still venting my frustration.

God was trying to show that that I did not get it. As much faith that I had, God was stretching me even more. Pass my limits. Because again, my fast mind was taking control of things actually instead of letting God take over. God was like telling me, "no wait Eddryll, I want you to see what I see. But for that to happen I need you to slow down." I was stuck in the ways of the world. A world that was driven by outcomes. I tell people that God was always interested in the journey here failing to see that I was so concerned about the outcome. When my life circumstance seemed impossible I got frustrated. I told God I am curious and interested to how He would provide but I lacked the patience. Because I did not want to slow down.

But I am so ever grateful because his mercies are new every morning. That he was patient with me. Again I had to die to myself and come to the Father again. To faithfully serve Him without being concern about the outcome. Not let the outcome determine me. As I faithfully carry out his will, I see his character woven in my circumstances. That the circumstances I am in now is not for me to solve but a measure of his grace in my life. Now, truly now I am slowing down. I have to re-position my heart once more so that I could see what he wanted me to see and listen what he wanted me to listen.
For God to restore that joy in waiting. And waiting expectantly. And expecting that as I place my trust in Him things will fall into place.

I mean the bible is full of characters waiting for years. Joseph waited roughly 13 years before becoming the prime minister. David had to wait 15 years before being fully acknowledge as king. Jacob waited 7 years to marry Rachel. Paul, 10 years before his powerful ministry started. My gosh @.@ hahaha. But for us reading we understand the need of waiting. For if they were to act out in their own will and go for it, something would have gone wrong. Joseph may not be a prime minister as well. On and on I could go. 

What I am saying is this. I am but still learning. I am a fool to think I got it. There is still much to be revealed to me. I am so grateful for his grace and mercy. the book of Lamentations chapter 3 does mention that the Lord is good to those who depend on him, to the one who seeks him. it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust- there may yet be hope.

There is still much to learn. All this while I stress that to learn one must be humble. Now I add another factor. To learn one must slow down even when you think you understand fast. to want to move on quickly is pride on its own already.He has much to reveal to me. Much to teach me.  My Lord my God is forever faithful and I will be still in my storm and rest in his perfect love. Give me life in thy ways.