Selah in the midst of unrest.

Before anything let me put a disclaimer and lay down the picture. My grandfather has returned to the Lord on the 11th of October 2015 and this testimony of mine is in no way trivializing anything. And thank you for all the encouragement from all my friends who constantly journeyed with me along the way. 

I miss my grandfather yes. I mourn for him yes. I have regrets wishing I did more when he was around. But the actual fact is, he is no more on this earth. 

It has been a hectic 3 weeks for me. Overwhelmed with everything, I knew I quickly needed to find rest. Rest in Him. So I decided to go back to Malacca to be away for awhile and also because my grandfather went through an operation at that time. 

Conversing with the Lord, in prayer as I went back to Malacca. Upon arrival, we immediately decided to visit my grandfather. It was not what I had in mind. He was weak and could barely move. Immediately my brain switched to spend time with him. to try to be there as often as I can. I was already in burn out stage but this was more important. The late nights then took a toll on me because I did not have time to recover. I maintained my posture though I knew I was drained. My grandfather was a priority one that was non negotiable. I told myself so much for selah but at the same time grateful to be there for my grandfather. By God's grace I was able to spend time with him.

A friend then reminded me how I might have missed the point of what selah is. Because all this while I was so tired that all I had in mind was rest. Regaining the energy I lost. Rest, rest, rest. But what rest? Surely it is not just sleep but that was what I was longing for. Yes I did miss the point because Selah was not the condition or circumstances around me. Indeed finding peace and quiet would help with the selah process but I was reminded how selah was all about the condition of the heart. Immediately Psalms 46 came to mind To be still and know that he is God our refuge and strength that will be exalted in the heavens and the earth. 

I've missed it. The mistake was that I was seeking rest not seeking God though I thought I was. When I pursued rest I did not find it but when I pursued God, rest ensued later on. 
The day came when my grandfather's situation got critical. I really thought he would go at that moment. Everyone around him was already weeping. I made a prayer

 " Lord as your child I come to you pulling your robe asking for healing because You who made the universe would certainly have the power to heal. You who are merciful and compassionate. I come to you not demanding for healing but banging on your character, as a child to a father. But at the same time, your will be done, for you who have made known the path of life and provides pleasures in your right hand forever more would definitely want the best choice. I may not be able to see your perspective as your ways are way higher than mind, so I would choose to trust you, I choose to dare hope in you for I know the God I worship"

In short concerning my selah, I then had peace. Peace that knowing God has got it all covered. To be able to be still and know that He is God, to be able to praise him in the storm, to be able to see that in spite of all this He is still to be sought, even in the sadness, to sing him a love song.I had that joy that knowing my God he has the best intentions for us and in His great mercy decided that it was my grandfather's time. Now, I do not and will not have all the answers and whys. Not everything went smoothly. My aunt and uncle failed to see him off. I failed to see him off. And you know what, by all means let them shout to God and wrestle with Him. "Why God!". Throughout this whole ordeal (still ongoing), I am in an open connection to God. Delighting in him, arguing with him (you know who wins lah), singing praises to him. 
Am I tired still? Very much. Am I worned out? you bet. I have to go up and come down from Selangor to Malacca again to manage my time and assignemnts and other house matters. But through this selah, I found peace, I found joy, 
Look, I am not saying I have a good feeling right now. I am not sad as I grief over the loss. There is a time to mourn and a time to be happy. Yet I hold on to this promise that everything is made beautiful in His time. I mean, as a Christian, what is 80, 90 years compared to eternity? Nothing.
Today as I prayed, I looked up and said "Lord, you always work in unexpected ways but for the benefit of your children"

A Selah, in the midst of unrest. In that I found rest. 

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